


No Right to Love You

by Thatsuntitled



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternative Perspective, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:35:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27638291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsuntitled/pseuds/Thatsuntitled
Summary: Ben doesn’t love her the way he should, at least that’s what he thinks, he never knew love, when he was sent away by his parents he didn’t feel loved, when he lived a frightening life with his uncle he didn’t feel loved. So he decided that he needed to walk away from Rey. So he decided that he needed to walk away from Rey, so she could be happy, even if it completely destroyed him.Inspired by the song No Right to Love You by Rhys Lewis.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	No Right to Love You

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THE NOTES FOR THE TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> \- Paranoia  
> \- Anxiety  
> \- PTSD  
> \- Panic attacks
> 
> If you're not comfortable with any of the warnings above I advise you not to read, or be cautious if you decide to proceed.

Rey is lying on her bed looking at the ceiling remembering the time when she and Ben used to divide that same bed, she wished she knew why he decided to end things with her. She thought that this time she had finally found the love of her life, but apparently he doesn’t love her the same way. Rey sighs as she hugs the pillow that used to be his, the one that still smells like him and one more time she cries herself to sleep.

He is in her dreams like he has been for the past five months since he left, his smiles were all for her, the way he carried her around, after they painted the bedroom wall, the summer constellations on her house, the winter ones on his. He told her that it was to remind them that even if they couldn’t see the stars they were there just waiting to complete each other’s sky. Rey wished that could be true, but he was just feeding her with his lies. The tears ran down her face in her sleep.

_They’re standing in the field looking at the Christmas trees, Ben looks a little grumpy like always, but Rey is too happy to care. She always wanted to have a Christmas with the ones that she loved, when she told it to him he said that he never had a Christmas either, because his parents were always away, so she decided that she would do this with him and nobody else._

_“I still don’t know why we’re here” he looks at her._

_“Because our first Christmas will be the best Christmas of our lives” She says, smiling, and Ben can’t get his eyes away from her smile, he sighs._

_“Everything you want Rey” he leans down and kisses the tip of her nose, Rey’s heart flutters, she is so happy that he is here with her._

_They’re walking around the trees, hand in hand, when she feels the first snowflakes falling over her head. She always loved snow, she looks at the sky in awe, she couldn’t ask for a happier moment in her life._

_“You’re so incredibly cute” Ben says cupping her cheeks “How could I live so many times without you?”_

_“I ask myself the same thing”_

_Ben gets closer to her, looking at her eyes, on his she can read all his love for her and in the middle of Christmas trees and snowflakes Ben kisses Rey and she couldn’t imagine a moment more perfect than that. It feels almost like magic when she kisses him back, his arms getting tighter around her, almost like he is scared that she will run away, but she could never, not when she finally feels that she find her home, not when she feels that after all the runaways she can finally lie her head down and be in peace. She hugs him back, and kisses him deeply, trying to assure him that she is where she wants to be, in the arms of the man that she loves._

***

Ben is standing in front of his bedroom wall, he couldn’t sleep, he hasn’t slept well on the past five months, not since he left her. He can’t stand his bed without her warm body with him, there are days that he can’t even look at his bedroom. He is in front of the stars painted on his wall imagining if she already painted hers with another colour to erase him for her life or if she can’t, just like him. The paint is in his living room waiting for two months, but he doesn’t feel like he can let it go or let her go, not yet, because her smile still haunts him every time he closes his eyes.

Ben sighs when he feels the tears again, the shame over his shoulder, he runs his finger through the stars. He wished he could have stayed, he wished he didn’t love her so much, because if he doesn’t it would be so much easier. He would be able to walk away for good, but even when he was the one that chose to go he can’t stop loving her.

“Why can't I forget you? Why do I hear your laugh everywhere? It should be easier, it was my decision, so why do I miss you so much?”

He doesn’t have an answer to that, he doesn’t have an answer to anything, the ache in his heart doesn’t get better, if it is even possible he feels more hurt now than before. When the first tear runs down his face he feels his legs given up and he falls on his knees, his forehead against the wall and if he any time on his life thought he was wrong this time would be one of those, when the space on his heart is so big that he feels that he can’t breathe.

Ben has his phone is in his hand and he wishes that he could call her, that she could say his name with so much love and every single stress of his day would just go away, he wants to hear her voice so bad, but he can’t because he was the one that gave up and he can’t come back now, he left her alone like his family did to him, the people that he tried to be so different from, was that the reason that they left him? Because they couldn’t stand how much love they felt? And like everything on his life was lost, everything that he could never come back and he can’t come back to her either. Even if he loves her with everything on him, he can’t love her like she deserve and he will never forgive himself if he makes her unhappy, he can’t stand be the one that in the end of the day will make her cry. Ben lies down on the ground always looking at his wall, their wall.

“I hope that your heart isn’t broken anymore, I hope that you have found your happiness, and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be the one”

***

Ben wakes up with his phone ringing, he slept on the floor again, he gets up, his back hurting, his head troubling, when he gets to his phone he can see Leia’s name on the display, he closes his eyes and answers the phone.

“Hello”

“Ben, you’re remembering the charity party tonight right?” Ben sighs.

“Mom”

“Ben I thought we were trying to get closer again”

Ben lies on his bed, all he wants to do is go back to sleep, but Leia is right, they’re finally trying to get closer again, his family is trying to make things right this time and he is willing to give them that chance, Ben lies on his side hugging the pillow.

“Alright, I’ll be there”

“Really?” he can hear the smile in Leia’s voice and he feels bad, because it doesn’t feel that he is trying hard enough.

“Yeah mom, I’ll be there”

“I’ll tell your father and then you can stand with us during the ceremony” Ben puts his fingers on the bridge of his nose.

“No” he says angrily “I don’t know if I can do that yet” he says more softly.

“I’m sorry”

“No, that’s fine” Ben says while he buries his face on the pillow.

“I can put your name on the list right?” Leia asks worriedly.

Ben realises that she is scared that he will change his mind, like he did so many times before.

“I’m going to your party, I promise”

“Ok, see you later son”

“Bye”

Ben looks to his ceiling, he should have said no, he doesn’t feel like going anywhere, much less Senator Organa’s party, but they’re trying so hard and he has to admit that. Ben groans as he remembers that Luke will be there too, he is still a little angry with his uncle and how he almost left him to die that one time when he convinced Ben to go hunting with him. Ben had told him that he hated hunting, but Luke insisted and when he almost shot his nephew and that’s when Ben decided that it was time to go.

He knows that Luke was going through a hard time and that he is so much better now, but he can’t forget Luke’s eyes, it makes him uncomfortable every time he looks at his uncle. Probably he should try harder, he should forget the past, but sometimes he just can’t. Ben puts his arms tighter around the pillow wishing that it could be Rey, wishing that she was here with him, telling him that everything would be alright, that he was different, that he deserved love, he was worth it. Ben falls asleep again, wishing that he could be feeling her heart under his ears.

***

Rey looks at herself in the mirror, the green dress was transparent over her belly, then she putted the organza part like a sleeve over her right shoulder, leaving the left one exposed, her hair in a low bun. She starts to think if it isn’t too much, she takes a deep breathe, why did she told Leia that she would do that? She doesn’t want to go, but Leia never takes no as an answer. So now she is standing in front of the mirror thinking if it was really a good idea, probably no, can she change her mind and just go to sleep? Definitely not, she gets her purse and walks to the cab that is waiting for her in front of her house.

It was definitely a bad idea, she knows the moment that she gets to the party, there are so many people in here, the driver looks at her from the rear-view mirror.

“Ma’am are you alright?” Rey sighs and opens her door.

“I have to be” she turns to the driver “Have a good night”

“You too ma’am”

Rey gets out of the car looking at the people around, she really should have stayed at home, she thinks as she runs her hands through her dress and walks to the hall. If she thought that there were many people outside, she would definitely change her mind when she saw how many people were inside. She looks around trying to find Leia and when Rey spots her Leia is already coming on her way.

“You came” Leia hugs the girl smiling.

“I said I would come”

“Well, you can always count on me”

“Yeah at least one of you” Rey smile falls, she knows about who Leia is talking, she looks down “Oh dear I’m sorry”

“No, that’s fine, everything is fine” she tries to smile.

“You sure?”

“Yes” maybe if she tells herself that long enough it can become really true.

“Well, come on, Han wants to see you too, it has been so long”

Rey walks with Leia. So many people want to talk to the Senator while they walk, she keeps her head down, she could never be like Leia and she admires this woman so much. When they get to the front of the room Rey feels Leia stopping in front of her.

“You came too” Rey finally looks up and Ben is there, Leia walks to him and hugs her son.

“I said I would come” Leia is laughing “What?”

“Nothing son, just a déjà vu feeling”

“Rey come here” Rey hears Leia’s voice but her eyes are on Ben in front of her, when he finally looks at her she feels her world stopping.

“Hello Rey” he says in a low voice.

“Hi”

They’re still looking at each other when Leia walks away standing closer to Han who gives her a drink.

“You planned that?” Han whispers.

“It would be a perfect timer like that if I had planned” she whispers back.

“You look beautiful” Ben says looking at the girl in front of him, how can she be so beautiful? She is always so pretty.

“You look good too” she looks away, how much she missed him, every single thing about him.

Ben opens his mouth and closes it so many times, Rey feels her heart beating faster on her chest, then she feels someone bumping into her and suddenly she is in Ben’s arms. His body becomes tense and she understands when she hears the voice behind her.

“Leia what a great party” Luke turns to Rey and Ben “Oh I’m sorry girl, didn’t saw you, hello Ben, you came”

Rey is standing in front of Ben in a protective away. She knows that Luke doesn’t want to hurt his nephew, and actually he has been trying to fix their relationship, but he still feels a little uneasy when they’re in the same room and she is always willing to be his shield.

“That’s ok Luke” Rey answered at the same time that Ben says “Hello uncle, how are you?” Rey takes a deep breath, she knows what Ben’s question means and so does everybody in here, but Luke smiles at him.

“I’m getting better son, I’m sorry again” Luke says and Ben shakes his head.

“You don’t have to be sorry, everything is fine now”

“Thank you Ben, I promise to try to make things work this time” Luke’s smile gets wider.

Luke pulls out his hand for a handshake with his nephew and it looks like everybody is holding their breaths. Rey starts to get out of the way, but she feels Ben’s left hand on her waist and she notices that he is shaking a little, his body is closer to hers when he stands his right hand and shakes Luke’s one. Leia smiles at them, Han looks relieved, Luke is smiling at his nephew too, apparently only Rey noticed how nervous Ben is, she turns to him.

“Do you want to get some air?” she asks.

“Yes please”

Rey nods and they turn around and start to walk, Leia sees when they start to move away.

“Ben we need –” Han puts a hand on her shoulder and she stops talking, turning to her brother and sharing a look, Leia shakes her head and Luke sighs and keeps looking at Leia that nods.

“I'm wondering if these two are already back together” Luke says.

“It’s just about time I think” Han says.

“Exactly honey” Leia kisses her husband and walks away to talk to more of her guests.

***

Ben and Rey find a balcony a little away from the people and Ben feels like he can finally breathe again. He supports his arms on the bench feeling the air ease the tension.

“I know I should get over it, but every time he looks at me is like I am 13 years old again and was scared that my uncle would kill me in my sleep” Ben puts his hands on his face “This is so stupid”

“No it’s not” Rey walks closer and puts her hand on his back running it up and down “You’re trying Ben, that’s what matter”

Ben smiles a little, of course she would be here today and of course she would be here for him now, of course she would stand for him, she was always like that, always taking care of the ones that she loved. He wonders if she still loves him, damn he misses her so much. Ben turns around looking at her beautiful eyes, now they look sad, really sad, he gets closer to her.

“How are you?” he asks and Rey sighs.

“Don’t act like you care”

“I do”

“Yeah, like you did five months ago” she is getting angry, Ben clenches his jaw.

“Rey”

“I don’t understand you, if you care why did you leave me?”

“Rey it’s not the time” she sighs.

“You’re right, this was a mistake”

Rey turns around and walk away, Ben wants to go after her, to tell her that he loves her more than anything but he can’t, because he is too scared that she doesn’t want him anymore and in the end of the day he knows that he can never give her what she needs and he can’t love her the way that she deserve. He never knew what love meant until he found her and she loves him so much, that he doesn’t know if he can love her when he doesn’t even know if he is able to feel it. She deserves someone that will love her, give everything on their soul to her and he doesn’t know if he can do that, not when he has so many cracks on the armor that he uses to protect his feelings inside.

***

Ben is in front of his parents’ house, they asked him to come and he can see that they’re really trying to get closer to him, so he decided to give them the chance to finally know him. Ben breaths in and out, in and out, trying to calm himself before entering the house. He knows that nothing bad will happen, but he can’t help, the feeling is still here telling him that he should be prepared.

Leia is the first person that he sees when he enters the living room, she smiles at him, a beautiful smile, a happy one. Ben wishes he could return the smile, but he can’t, so he just stares back at his mom.

“Ben you’re here” she walks to him and hugs her son.

“I said I was coming”

“Yeah, I know I just, well never mind come on” Leia says and starts walking, Ben following her.

Ben can hear two voices in the kitchen when he gets closer, he looks confused at Leia.

“I thought it would be just you, my father and I”

“Oh it’s just your uncle Luke”

Ben stops at the door of the kitchen looking at his uncle laughing with his father. He feels his muscles becoming tenser, he tried so hard to let this go, to forget the way his uncle looked at him sometimes. ‘ _You look so much like your grandfather_ ’ Luke used to tell him, he still remember the days that he woke up with his uncle looking down at him, his eyes looking lost, so lost. Ben know that Luke’s relationship with his father wasn’t that ease and he also knew that somehow he made his uncle uncomfortable, something in him triggered something in Luke, but he was just a scared boy, wishing that his family loved him, that they had time for him, all that time he was so scared of being a bad person like his uncle saw.

Ben can feel his body starting to shake, now he is that boy again, the one that was constantly scared, constantly alert, and waiting for something. Luke looks at Ben and Ben can see how different his eyes are now, how different his uncle is now, but he can’t stop, when Luke walks closer to him he notices that he can’t breathe, when Luke stands his hand Ben steps back, the tears already in his eyes.

“Ben, please” Leia says.

Ben closes his eyes, he wished that his mom could understand him, it’s like he is screaming, but they don’t understand his words. Luke put his hand down.

“Ben I’m trying” Luke’s voice sounds sad, Ben closes his eyes.

“I know, I know you’re trying I just –” Ben choke, he can feel his throat closing “I swear I’m trying too, uncle”

When Ben opens his eyes he can see that Luke is nodding at him, he can see the tears on Luke’s eyes now and he hates himself for doing this to his family again.

“You need more time” Luke is not asking, but Ben is nodding anyways “I just want you to know that I regret the way I acted with you every single day” Ben nods again.

“Son please try” Han says, getting closer to the commotion.

“Yeah Ben, we bought Luke here so the two of you could start over” Leia says.

Ben shakes his head, they don’t understand, they never understood, it’s not that he doesn’t want to forget, it’s not that he hates his family, no, he loves them so much that it is breaking him that they can’t get it. Ben is looking around now, looking for some comfort, someone that understands his feelings, but he can’t find it. Ben knows that they want to have a happy family, he wants that too, he has wanted that for a long time, but he is too broken right now, he looks at his uncle one more time.

“That’s ok son, I’ll be here when you’re ready” Luke says and Ben can recognise the look on his face, he has been here before, with his father.

“I promise that I –” the words are lost on his throat, he wished that things could be different, Luke nods at him, but his eyes are sad.

“That’s fine” his uncle says.

Ben turns around, he can’t do that, not right now, he needs to get out of here. He wishes he knew them better, he wishes that be with them doesn’t hurt that much, but it’s so hard to change things, it’s so hard to learn how to love, to understand that maybe he deserves love, that he can be loved, it’s so hard when he receive so little in all his life.

“Ben wait” Han says behind him, Ben turns around “Why can we try this? Just for this time”

“Dad, not now please”

“You know that we love you right? We just never knew how to be there for you and we’re sorry”

“Please can we talk later?” Ben whispers, his head hurts so much, everything is just so hard now.

“Ben look –”

“Please father, please, I can’t do this now” Han nods and sighs.

Ben doesn’t wait for an answer he just starts to run, he could get his car, but he doesn’t, he don’t think that he can drive right now. He runs, all his body hurting, his lungs burning but he can’t stop because he can’t think, he can’t remember how hurt they was, he only hurt people around him, why is he trying anyway?

He runs until he gets home, Ben goes to his room he feels like he is falling apart, he needs that pain to go away, he needs anything that makes it better. Ben lies down against the constellations on his wall, his breathing fast, uneven. He feels so empty, so broken, so tired, he needs someone to tell him that everything will be fine, he needs her.

***

It’s been a month since Rey saw him for the last time, so when Ben’s name pops up on her phone she looks confused at her phone, she thinks about letting it there, but she can’t, so she picks up. She doesn’t even have time to say anything when he talks.

“I need you Rey” he sounds lost and scared.

“What? What happened?”

“It’s uncle Luke” Rey feels her heart skipping a beat, what Luke did.

“Ben tell me what happened”

“We were at my parents’ house, it was totally fine and then it wasn’t, I couldn’t see him and he – he is trying but I can’t, I just can’t. Can you come home? Please Rey”

“Yeah, I’m on my way”

Rey gets out of her house in no time, she looks around the street looking for a cab, she needs to get to him. She keeps running and turns to the other room where she finally finds a cab and gets on it.

“Please sir, you need to hurry”

When the car stops in front of his building she gets out faster than she though that she could. She looks at the elevator but decides that will be so much time and she can’t keep standing there, so she decides for the stairs, she goes two steps at time, when she gets closer to his door she things about knocking but when she gets closer she notices that the door is already open. She goes in looking around trying to find him, but he is nowhere to be seeing.

“Ben where are you?” She goes to his kitchen, but he isn’t there too, when she gets to his room he isn’t on the bed either, she can she all the sheets around the room. She finally spots him close to the wall she feels that she can’t breathe “Ben” she whispers.

Rey gets closer to him, now he looks so small, so scared, she notices that he is trembling so hard, when she puts her hand on his face Rey notices how cold he is, she tries to get closer, but he tries to get away from her, his breathing quick, so quick. Rey notices that his lips are blue, he is having a panic attack, for how long she can’t tell, she approaches carefully getting closer to his ear.

“Ben I’m here, I came, just like you asked me to” he doesn’t answer or move, if it wasn’t for the little change on his breathing she would think that he wasn’t even hearing her “Want to tell me what happened now?” Ben slowly shakes his head “Alright, I’m here for you”

Rey lies down in front of him looking at his face and he finally starts to move getting closer to her, Rey open her arms when he puts his hands around her waist and his head on her chest. His breathing is still fast, his hands shaking, but she can see that he is trying to calm himself, Rey takes a deep breath when she feels his tears on her shirt, she puts her hands on his hair pulling him closer.

“That’s fine Ben, I’m here, I just need you to breathe, can you do that?”

Ben tries, while he hugs her he tries to be calm, he gets even closer to her letting no space between his body and hers, when he finally says something his voice is hoarser than ever before.

“Thank you for coming Rey” she runs her hand through his hair.

“Of course Ben”

“I didn’t know what to do, I’m sorry that I made you came all the way here”

“No honey, you don’t need to be sorry, just tell me what happened”

Ben sighs holding her closer, she notices how tense his body is, how scared that made him, what on earth has happened for him to be so scared, she never saw him like that.

“I was at my mother house and uncle Luke showed up and he wanted to apologize again and I told him, I swear I told him that everything was fine, but he kept going” he starts shaking again, and Rey brings him closer “And I remembered his eyes, the way that he looked at me like I was his enemy and like I did that time I just wanted to run away, but I didn’t, Rey I wish I had done because my parents weere talking about how they wanted us to be a family again, I want that too, but I couldn’t hear anything because all wanted to do was to forget everything, then I ran” Ben chokes, Rey can feel her heart breaking “I just wish that I could forget my past, why can’t I leave all of that behind?”

“What makes you so scared Ben?”

“It was so hard before” he is whispering now “My parents couldn’t take care of me and I remember these were hard times for Luke, and they didn’t believe me” Ben chokes “Th – the people that that I loved the most didn’t believed me and I had nobody. I couldn’t run to nobody because I was scared of my own family, these years was so hard sometimes when I look at them I feel that I’m back there, that I have nobody and it freaking scares me Rey”

“You’re not alone Ben, I was here for you all the time” she whispers back and Ben closes his eyes.

“I know, but I was scared of that too”

“Why?” 

“Because I never had much love growing up, it’s not that they didn’t loved me, I know they did, I know they do, but I don’t know how to love Rey, I feel that I can’t give you what you deserve, I can’t make you happy” Rey laughs.

“Actually you were the most loving person that I ever knew, during all my life I was never as happy as I was with you. I thought that I had finally found my belonging, the one that I had been looking for with all my foster families, it wasn’t any of them, it was you and I thought – never mind what I thought” Rey feels the tears on her eyes now, Ben starts to get up.

“Rey” he says softly and she looks back at him, because she is tired of running away. He looks at her eyes, and when a tear runs down her cheek he frowns “I’m so sorry” she sighs.

“What you want to do Ben, because I can’t keep with that, you can’t keep me in the dark” he looks away.

“I know, I should have talked to you, I should have explained things to you and I know I have no right to say that but I still love you so much that I feel like I’m dying every time I’m away from you”

“So why are you away? Why are you always looking away?” Rey puts her hand on his face, making him look at her.

“Because I can’t even make sense when I look at you, because you became all I can think of”

Rey feels her heart beating faster, she starts to put his face down slowly, waiting for his reaction, waiting to see if he will change his mind, but he smiles back at her and leans forward. When their lips finally touch, she knows that won’t be easy, he has so many demons, so many things to work with his family, but she will be here for him, Ben feels the same, he know that he needs to work that out, but he will be here for her too, even when it feels hard he is willing to try for her.

He hugs her and puts his head on her neck and now in his arms she feels like she is alive again, she is happy and protected and finally she is at home again. This time she knows that their promises will be kept, their kiss just reassures her a hundred times that as long as they’re together they will learn to get past through everything as one.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to roxsolo for beta reading my story.
> 
> Talk to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/thatsuntitled)


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